office aggression
at work, we have what’s called the tweak committee. i have no idea what that stands for (and according to the head of that committee, apparently no one knows what it means…), but basically they just plan fun crap for the company. for example, tomorrow they’re bringing in an ice cream truck and everybody gets free ice cream (yes, we are all 3rd graders at abpg…).
so, today i was talking to said committee leader and i informed her that they needed to make me the tweak committee consultant because i was full of good ideas (like my alley cigar party idea, which would occur in our skanky alley with all the meth heads who hang out there, those classy old school lawn chairs and some $.76 swisher sweet cigars…). the other idea i was pitching today was a “take your office aggression out on your coworkers” day. this idea was so good, that i thought i would share it with you, so that you can institute a similar day o’ fun at your office. i’m going to offered a tiered concept, where tier 1 is if you just moderately dislike your coworkers, whereas tier 3 means that you are seeking blood and bones sticking out from skin. here goes:
TIER 1:
1. paintball
2. sumo wrestling (you know, with the puffy sumo costumes)
3. thump knuckle
5. thumb wrestling
TIER 2:
1. paintball: firing squad execution style
2. just plain wrestling
3. swap licks
5. slap fight
TIER 3:
1. glock 9 shootout: bloods and crips style
2. cage fighting: i’m talking anchorman street fight rumble style with bike chains and tritons
3. blind rage stabbings
4. front wedgies…
5. repeated punches directly to the nose, eye gouging and nipple twisting
alright, so there you go. go pitch this to your boss and let everyone have a special day at the office. everybody needs a good ol’ atomic wedgie or cage fight every now and again.
